by Violet Midnight
What do you do if your partner wants to indulge a secret fantasy or fetish that you are not comfortable with? We have already discussed potential physical concerns (such as pain, discomfort or health risks) in Part One. But what if your partner wants you to engage in sexual activities that your are uncomfortable with on an emotional level? Maybe the activity disgusts you, or makes you afraid for reasons you can’t quite put your finger on. Maybe you feel embarrassed by it, or think your friends would disapprove or think badly of you if they knew you did this.
Maybe you are shocked by what your partner wants and it makes you wonder if you should continue to be intimate with them. You may wonder if their desire to do something “different” means they have some kind of psychological issues. Maybe you are even excited or aroused by the idea of what your partner wants to do, but still feel ashamed because this fetish is controversial or “socially unacceptable.”
We would never want our partner to feel humiliated or harshly judged for merely sharing their secret fantasies with us. It can take a lot of courage to share these thoughts with someone else, and if they think we might be open to participating, they must trust us. Of course, it is possible you are in a relatively new relationship, and you may not know yet that your partner is trying to manipulate you for his own selfish reasons. BUT, if you trust your partner cares for you, and is just wanting to explore deeper intimacy through sharing fetish or fantasy, you need to be able to discuss your reservations, but in a way that respects his desire to get closer to you.
If what your partner wants is “disgusting” to you, try to analyze why. Is it something physically or visually unappealing? You may have some issues around this from your own past experiences. Here’s an example: your partner wants to have intercourse while you’re menstruating. You have never done this before or had another lover request it. There is nothing inherently “wrong” with this activity, although it can be somewhat messy. Maybe you had an embarrassing episode when you were a teenager (started your period unexpectedly and it stained your clothing), or during a sexual encounter (blood on a former boyfriend’s sheets?) Our culture often makes women feel that their bodies’ natural processes, smells and tastes are somehow “dirty.” Just look at all those feminine hygiene advertisements on TV and in magazines!
Look at this from your lover’s point of view. He would not ask to do this if he found it “disgusting.” The female body is capable of giving life, and this knowledge can be a very primal thing. Maybe he wants to somehow share in this great mystery. Maybe he has heard that women’s hormonal activity make them especially horny during their periods! Or maybe he just wants to know what it feels like. Tell him you feel apprehensive, that he might find it disgusting. He will probably reassure you that he doesn’t, or, at the worst, acknowledge that you won’t ever find out if you don’t try. This makes the experience new and unfamiliar for both of you. So you can help each other through any potential discomfort. If you feel shy, keep the lights off, and make sure you have a towel nearby to clean up. (For more tips on how to get through other potentially awkward sexual scenarios, see our article “Ten Embarrassing Sex Moments and How to Get Over Them Gracefully”)
Maybe your partner asks you to do some sort of role-playing that you find uncomfortable. There are many, many sexual fetishes and fantasies to be explored and many of them are now available at the click of a mouse, so don’t be surprised if your lover wants to try something creative or kinky. Give it some thought before you say no immediately…it may turn out you will enjoy it!
Bondage and domination are sexually exciting to many men and women. Some people like to dominate others, while some like to be dominated. Bondage can be combined with blindfolding. Sometimes sex happens during bondage, sometimes after. Sado-masochism refers to inflicting pain (or having pain inflicted) and this can vary from extremely mild touch (like tickling with a feather or light strokes with a soft leather flail) to slightly more intense (like dripping hot wax on the body or spanking with a wooden paddle) to things some people might find very extreme (like branding with a hot iron). Most of the “toys” made for these activities are made with safety in mind. You can purchase them at sites like Eden Fantasys. There are also many books with information on these activities, like The Loving Dominant.
If your partner asks you if you want to try some of these activities, but you are unsure, I strongly urge you to do some research and get a sense of the wide variety of possibilities. You will want to be very clear with your partner about what is and isn’t okay. Having a “safeword” (a codeword that is not likely to occur in your sex play, like “strawberry” or “stop sign” that signals when you are uncomfortable and want your partner to stop what they are doing) and trusting your partner to respect your use of it, is very important.
Maybe your partner wants to try something a bit more psychological in nature while role-playing, like having you pretend to be someone else. This can be exciting and add some spice to your relationship. Maybe he wants you to pretend to be a stranger, or a nurse, or his cousin, or his college professor. You can add costumes, chose appropriate settings, and come up with scenarios to act out to make these fantasies more fulfilling. Acting out these roles in front of others can add to the fun (like when your lover pretends to pick you up in a bar or at a baseball game, or you come on to him at a wedding reception, both pretending not to know one another).
But in some cases, your partner may ask you to play roles that seem odd or disturbing. Maybe he wants you to play a very young girl. Maybe he wants you to pretend to be his mother or sister or other close relation. Maybe he wants you to humiliate him or treat him like a baby (this is actually a fantasy that men with high-powered jobs frequently ask, and pay, sex workers to fulfill for them). Maybe he wants you to play along in a rape fantasy (which is surprisingly common among both men and women, according to sex researchers–such fantasies are usually defined more by the use of control than by violence).
It is important to realize that your man is asking you to fantasize with him; that this is not real. The reason phone sex is such a lucrative business is that there are many men who want to act out fantasies they can’t bring themselves to ask for in person (or maybe they have done so and been refused). Acting out a fantasy that is taboo does not mean your lover is going to seek ways to enact it for real.
Still, you may find such requests disturbing. Again, don’t judge your partner. Talk it over with him, ask him what is exciting about this fantasy. Chances are, he worked up the nerve to ask you because he figured you were worldly enough to handle it. If he seems to become uncomfortable talking about it, this may be a sign his fantasy is a sign of a deeper, unresolved emotional issue. Sometimes having a violent sexual fantasy is the result of having been sexually abused. Sexual fantasy can be a replacement for other unwanted emotions like fear, anger or humiliation. Your partner may not even be aware of these connections. Encourage him to talk with you about it, or maybe with a friend or counselor.
It is important not to let any fantasy or fetish become the main component of your sexual activity. Be sure to make time and room for all kinds of sensual enjoyment. Plain old “vanilla” (non-kinky) sex is just fine! Be sure to remain connected on a physical level in ways that don’t have to lead to sex: massage each other, take a shower or bath together, linger in bed over coffee. As you start to explore different paths to sexual gratification, don’t forget what brought you together in the first place: you find this person attractive and want to spend more time with him!
