by Violet Midnight
Maybe you and your partner are happily open in your sex life, sharing your deepest desires and freely indulging each other’s fantasies and fetishes. But what happens when he asks for something that makes you feel uncomfortable?
First off, don’t think you are alone in this situation. There is even an expression for the partner of someone who indulges their partner’s fetish even if it not their cup of tea: GGG. This stands for “good, giving and game.” A GGG partner may have reacted negatively at first learning of their partner’s particular form of kink, but out of love/lust decided to indulge them anyway. Some GGGs come to also love their partner’s kink, but this makes them fellow “pervs” (as sex columnist Dan Savage of “Savage Love” might put it), not GGGs.
Sometimes becoming a willing participant in your partner’s fantasy or fetish simply requires opening your mind. American culture is full of all sorts of taboos involving sex and social behavior. But, in the privacy or our own homes, what we do is generally considered to be our own business, provided it is not illegal.
There is where we start this discussion. Assuming an activity is not illegal, or inherently harmful, what criteria do we use to decide something is definitely within the realm of the “Not in a hundred years if you were the last man/woman on earth!”? How do you make the distinction between “That’s kind of weird” and “That’s disgusting” and “That is just plain sick”? Of course we do not want to hurt our lover’s feelings. But sometimes, sex partners can be manipulative, or simply unaware of the full impact (physical, emotional, mental) of what they want to do.
This issue is thorny enough that we have broken it up into two parts. Part One is about Physical Concerns, and Part Two about Social/Emotional/Mental concerns
1) Does my partner want me to do something physically dangerous or painful?
This is certainly a loaded question, since sexual activity almost always carries some form of risk (STDs, pregnancy, etc.) But some activities carry added risk.
First off: safe sex. We should always practice safe sex with new partners, and, until we know that we and they are STD-free, partners of any duration. This is not really negotiable, and if someone pressures you to have sex without protection, let them know this makes you uncomfortable. Realistically speaking, most of us have had some form of unsafe sex in the past. We should ask ourselves what causes this behavior. Do we feel we know this person well enough that their past sexual history is not an issue? But what if someone passed something on to them and did not inform them? You are exposed to anything that your partner has been exposed to.
Or maybe we only engage in “safe” activities. Masturbation/manual stimulation are relatively safe. Kissing and fondling and “dry humping” are, too, but the AIDS virus can be spread by skin to skin contact of there are sores present. And HPV (human papilloma virus), which is becoming very common, can also be spread skin to skin. This causes genital or anal warts, and can eventually cause cervical or anal cancerous growths. Oral sex is slightly safer than intercourse, but using a condom or dental dam is highly recommended.
Bondage or BDSM (Bondage/Domination or Sado/Masochism) activity can potentially become dangerous if people are inexperienced or irresponsible. Knowing how to use your various toys, costumes and restraints safely is crucial: a poorly fitting restraint or mask can cause loss of circulation or suffocation, for example. Using certain materials to enhance sex can cause infection or irritation (such as red pepper, Tiger Balm, or certain bodily fluids such as urine or blood).
If your partner wants to do something involving urine (“water sports”), you should know that human urine is not terribly dangerous to swallow or have on the skin. A “golden shower” involves being urinated on, or urinating on someone. You can do this in the bathtub or on plastic sheets. Some people enjoy this form of play.
But if your partner wants to do something involving feces, this is a different matter. Human feces are potentially full or bacteria and parasites, and can cause all sorts of health problems is swallowed or allowed to penetrate the skin. Wanting to use feces to enhance sexual pleasure is usually considered to be the result of a childhood experience (either traumatic or pleasurable) involving something similar (maybe paint or food, if not actual feces). Let your partner know there are health risks. Something to remember: Anal intercourse or anal play will, naturally, occasionally put us in contact with fecal material. Scrupulous hygiene is a must. Postpone this form of play if there is any digestive or anal discomfort to prevent “accidents.”
Maybe your partner wants to penetrate you (or have you penetrate him) with some sort of foreign object. It is strongly recommended to only use sex toys or dildos manufactured for this purpose. Other objects may be made of materials that can cause injury or irritation, or may break off inside the vagina or rectum. If you use dildos, make sure they are cleaned after each use, and beforehand if you are uncertain. Using them with lube can help prevent discomfort or irritation; remember oil-based lube can’t be used with latex.
Asphyxiation is a fetish becoming increasingly common. This means temporarily suffocating someone (or oneself, in which case it is called “auto-erotic asphyxiation) to enhance the sensation of orgasm. The so-called “breathless orgasm” is, according to some people, very intense; perhaps because there is an element of sensory deprivation, in which the other senses become more pronounced when others are downplayed. (This is also true when one engages in sex blindfolded, for example). In any case, this can be a very dangerous activity. Holding one’s hands over the partner’s mouth and nose very briefly, to interrupt the flow of oxygen, may not lead to unconsciousness. But many people who engage in this fetish try to intensify the experience by using gags, fabric, masks, pillows, or strangulation devices. This is particularly dangerous when one tries it alone, and a number of people have died this way. Loss of oxygen leads to unconsciousness, and this makes it impossible to escape the restraining device, leading to suffocation. If your partner wants to try this, be sure to express your concern about its safety, and do some research to see if there is a way to approximate the experience with minimal risk.
Your partner may also enjoy a form of sexual activity which you find physically uncomfortable. It is hard to enjoy sex when we are in pain! If your partner enjoys anal intercourse, fisting, having you deep-throat him, or other positions or activities that can sometimes cause physical discomfort, be sure to let him know so you can try to find a way to make the activity easier, or, if you would like to discontinue it, you need to let him know that too. Maybe it is just the way he does things (even oral sex can be too rough). If so, you need to make him aware of it. Sometimes just changing the position or rhythm of the contact works, sometimes lube makes things much easier and more comfortable. Occasionally a new position becomes easier through practice. But be sure to communicate your concerns. Your partner will appreciate your honesty and will in all likelihood want to help correct the problem as soon as possible.
