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My Partner Has a Kink I Can’t Handle: What Now?

My Partner Has a Kink I Can’t Handle: What Now?

For some people, being with a partner who’s vanilla is a deal-breaker. They regard their sexuality as a very important part of their life and aren’t prepared to invest any time and effort into a relationship where they can’t find fulfillment. On the other hand, if you’re the person who can’t handle someone’s kink, it’s only natural to feel inadequate to meet the needs of someone you care about or to feel pressured to do things that are too far outside of your comfort zone, such as perhaps transgender dating and threesomes, and you’d feel much better if that person wasn’t even around. Today, we talk about the options you have if your partner is kinkier than you are other than to end the relationship.

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#1: Kink is Subjective

A lot of people try to quantify kink and compare one act to the other. For some people, spanking is awfully kink while others don’t think it’s kinky at all. As a result, it’s totally possible to find yourself in a situation where you and your partner disagree on how kinky something is. In other words, this could be a matter of perception and miscommunication, and as such you have one very simple solution at hand – talk about it!

#2: Share Your Fantasies

Once you start to talk about how you view a particular act in bed, expend the topic of conversation to include your fantasies. You’re already familiar with what your partner wants from you, but do they know what you want from them? Start slow and share what you fantasize about and what is running through your head when you masturbate. You might be surprised by how your partner reacts to this and you may further bond over something entirely different from the kink that inspired your conversation.

#3: Ask for Reassurance

Your partner may have a kink you can’t handle, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy the sex you have. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is not an easy task, and hopefully, your partner can understand how much effort you have to put into trying to meet their needs. If they keep telling you they love you, they’re impressed by your willingness to do something that would never even cross your mind, and keep reassuring you of this you’ll feel far less pressure and guilt, and that will increase the chance that at some point you’ll be able to fulfill their kinky fantasy.

#4: Create a BDSM Checklist

A BDSM checklist that involves things you’re willing to try, things you might try, and things that are an absolute no are a great way to figure out what the two of you have in common and to build from there. You can also create the same checklist for vanilla sex because this will be a topic that you’d probably be more comfortable with. Compare your checklists and see how much your kinky sides match. As you build your sexual relationship, you can explore more intense stuff, but definitely start small and agree on the common talking points that will lead you in the desired direction.

About Simon Blackthorne

Simon Blackthorne
Simon Blackthorne is a Dungeonmaster at Wasteland.com. With over 30 years experience as a MaleDom, he brings a wealth of experience, knowledge and wit to the BDSM scene. Simon was one of original directors and contributors to Wasteland starting in 1995 and is a respected leader in the New England BDSM community. You can see Simon's BDSM Video Demonstrations and Tutorials at Wasteland.com
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