The Fabulous World Of FemDoms
by Lola Lovely at Wasteland BDSM
A quick Google search for “What is FemDom?” pulls up a bunch of misinformation, opinions and oddly enough a piece about how an 18 year old ‘kicked’ his femdon ‘habit’ for good. Not really much good information for a person genuinely looking into exploring this side of his or her sexuality – or even for those who are curious. If we were to rely on television or movies, well, we know how that goes. Anything that isn’t penis to vagina penetration is considered the realm of the unstable.
It’s as if the world just can’t wrap its head around why a person would want to play this way. And if they did, then there must be something unstable about it. Although research has proven that people who practice BDSM aren’t ‘crazy’, there still seems to be a stigma about it. Well, there is a stigma about sex in general, so imagine a sexual fetish that doesn’t seem on the outset to be sexual at all.
Why would one decide to be dominated? Well, the short answer is because it’s arousing. Why else?
“For some it’s erotic, for others it’s deeply satisfying to someplace deep inside them. For me, as someone who likes to be on both sides of the paddle, being dominated can feel like a vacation from the control that I have in my day job, in my relationships, and it quiets my head. It’s like a form of meditation,” says Miss Kitty Stryker, a lifestyle Domme, “It typically boils down to, “it feels good”. I suspect that people enjoy being dominated because it’s relaxing to have someone else call the shots, especially when they’re making a commitment to take care of you and your needs.”
What can seem to the uninitiated as an abusive relationship, on the inside might be more intimate than a ‘regular’ sexual encounter. What people don’t usually see is that fetishes requires a healthy level of communication before anything can happen. It needs each party to know what turns them on so that they can carry out their desires. There are many ways to play with fantasy and desire – each person is different. It’s not always sadistic or about sex either. Sometimes a FemDom relationship is so subtle that people don’t even realise that it’s going on.
“I think that the best way to play with fantasy and desire is to remain flexible, to continually be open to trying things, and understanding that what worked one time may not work another. Communication is the best lube!” says Miss Stryker.
That’s not to say that it’s all about long talks and a walk in the park either. Yes, there is a whole lot of spanking, bondage, flogging and all other sorts of naughtiness that goes on – depending on what you’re into. While it sounds like it could be dangerous – it’s probably just as dangerous as any other human activity can get.
“Like everything else in life: driving, cooking, traveling… it’s as safe as the people who are in it, and your circumstances. As for getting hurt, yes, if you engage in physical, impact play like whipping or caning is going to hurt, break the skin, make welts. But it’s transitory. People get hurt all the time, but not necessarily harmed. That would imply long term or irreversible damage and obviously, nobody sane would want that,” explains Ms Tytania, a professional Dominatrix from London.
If one is looking to explore this side of their desire, then perhaps start with watching some porn, reading erotica or visiting an online femdom resource such as XXX Sex Guides. Meeting others in the scene can also be helpful if a little daunting in the beginning. The support of a good network not only helps to keep you sane but find and keep friends who share the same interest, not to mention find someone you might be able to play with. The worst thing you can do is to hold it in and try and bury your own desires.
Miss Tytania explains, “Like every other single form of human sexual expression, Femdom suffers from outmoded, prudish, moralistic view of sex, where it’s seen as something dangerous or, at least, an unimportant part of a person.” Sexually dominant women especially suffer because of the myth that women don’t like sex, so they can’t be into sexual dominance to express themselves.
FemDom play can be freedom that you might be looking for. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about – although I can totally understand your need to be private about it as there isn’t a widespread acceptance of it as yet. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t still explore this part of yourself alone or with a partner. It could just change your life.[Photo: Lada Gaga in Machete Kills Music Video Trailer]