Ilona Paris Interviewed by Wasteland Staff Writer “TB”
How did you become interested in counseling people with alternative sexual lifestyles?
I had a Masters in Counseling Psychology and was already working as a counselor when I got involved in the BDSM scene.
When you see a client, are you “treating” them?
No, I’m counseling. When you’re “treating” somebody, you assume something’s wrong. I’m not doing that. I’m coming from a place of empowerment and I think that’s very important.
Why do most people come to see you?
If you’re going to get involved with BDSM you want to make sure your head is in a good place. Some people are concerned with how far they might go. People have an easy time talking with me, in part because I’m twisted myself. Sometimes they have a hard time discussing the extent of their fantasy.
Can you explain what the sexual turn-on is with BDSM?
There’s some sort of “sick-twisted-fuck gene” that some people have. That is my professional term. The pain goes straight to your clit or straight to your cock. It’s not for everybody. They have that gene – and good for them.
Do people need to just stop worrying about their attraction to BDSM?
When most people tell me their fantasies, I say, hey go for it. Here are some online websites and groups in the city. Have a good time. If you need to talk to somebody on the way, I’m here. I’ve seen two people where I didn’t think they were healthy but it wasn’t the kink, it was there frame of mind they were in that needed help.
How would you go about counseling a Dom/Domme who was concerned about their attraction to “Dom-ing?”
I would focus on the other areas of their psyche. Are they capable of loving somebody? Are they capable of being empathetic? Are they capable of being aware of the world and people around them? Are they healthy in those areas… because if they’re not, then you’ve got a problem.
What about a Dom/Domme who is healthy, but concerned with their sadistic tendencies within a scene?
I think that’s what it’s all about. You are pushing the boundary in this lifestyle. I don’t see a problem with that. If you’re whipping your partner to the point of bringing a trace of blood, there has to be an understanding between the two of you with how far you’re both willing to go. That’s why you have safe words so that you both have control in that situation. What I would do is check to see if there was caring about the person afterwards and caring for their wounds and kissing them and licking them. That tells me that they’re in a healthy space right there because that’s the normal response for a caring Dom. So that’s fine. It’s when there isn’t any taking care of the person’s body afterwards that there’s a problem.
What are the inner personality issues with somebody who likes to take on the “submissive role?”
Most of the time I find that people who are submissive, who come to me have intense lifestyles. I think a lot of times if they are very accomplished, they are very good at being submissive because it is just a release of all the pressure they have to encounter in their vanilla life. That’s what I mean when I talk about the “release of ego,” because they really have to release, and if they can get there it’s a total place of freedom in a bizarre way.
And for people who don’t fit that overly accomplished stereotype but still like to submit?
Some submissives are very into giving. Being submissive allows them to be more confident in other areas of their life. If you can be successful in being submissive to somebody, it takes a lot of strength within you to do that, and that strength and being able to do that empowers you to be stronger in other areas of your life. I’ve experienced that myself.
What’s your take on people who are “switches?”
There’s a mutuality in a relationship which can be quite erotic if you are into mutual switching. It’s not you’re going to be Dom now and I’m going to be submissive… This will sound strange, but when whales are copulating they intertwine and they swim in a motion that’s circular and it’s like a beautiful dance. I think when you’re switching together in mutuality you have that same sort of wonderful dance that’s done in the water and it can be quite wonderful. Very erotic. Very sensual.
What’s an example of a stumbling block for a couple with a BDSM lifestyle?
Some relationships that start out with a strong focus on SM get to a point where the Dom can’t beat their partner because they love them so much. It reminds me of the Madonna complex, when a husband and wife have a baby and then the husband can’t fuck his wife because she had his child. A lot of times when Doms and Subs fall deeply in love, real life starts to takeover and the love relationship take precedence over the D/s relationship.
But isn’t it also possible that as the love grows stronger, their excitement over their D/s roles also gets more intense?
I think there are times when the BDSM aspects between a couple can help prevent going into the vanilla lethargy that can occur after a while in a traditional relationship.
Do you think somebody’s interest in fetish behavior increases when they are single?
If somebody is single and lonely and they need to fill something that’s missing, it’s possible that their fetish interest will increase. But, if they’re more stable and have a good foundation the need for the fetish will stay the same as when they were a relationship.
Any special fun plans in the near future?
I’m going to Kink in the Caribbean. I signed up for everything. I’ll do some dom-ing and some submissive play. I’m going to be in the Kink Olympics and Mistress Domina’s Boot camp.
What’s a truism and falsity about somebody who counsels people on alternative sexuality?
That I’m an absolute pervert.
Which one is that, true or false?
I’d say it’s true and it’s false (laughs).
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